It’s understood by experts that the Threenager condition is widely under-diagnosed. Experts guess that 100 out of 100 three year olds have it, though parents might not be aware of it. Although it is no way serious (and to be honest, sometimes it’s entertaining and downright hilarious), it can cause highly… interesting situations within a household. Or at the park. Or in line at Target. Or in the bathroom at a Chick-fil-a. Had you told your childless self you’d be in these situations, that childless person would have thrown herself on the floor laughing.
There are a few telltale ways to know that you’re in the presence of a threenager. Some are more obvious than others, but all of them signal that yes, you have a threenager and she isn’t afraid to let you know it. There is a common misconception among, well, humans that the Terrible Twos is the season during which you REALLY need to be on your mom game. But many experts agree that Threenagerhood is where your will and your sanity will really, truly be tested. Also, your ability to withstand the torture of listening to the same song over and over eleventy million times to infinity and beyond.
So I’ve put together a handy check list of ways to tell if you’re in the presence of a threenager. If you check “yes” to any one of these, it’s safe to say you’re in for a really exciting year.
10 Surefire Ways to Tell That You Are in the Presence of Threenager
1. Are bathing suits and Frozen dresses that leave a trail of non-removable glitter wherever she goes her preferred sartorial choices? Is the idea of putting actual clothing on a real bummer? Pants? What even are pants and how dare you ask her to wear them?
2. Have you tried tricking her into eating food with hidden veggies in it — a so-called “food hack” — only to find out that YOU are the actual hack? Did you honestly think your child wouldn’t taste the beans in her brownie?
3. Does she scream and throw herself onto the floor when, horror of horrors, you try to open a door yourself or take a yogurt out of the refrigerator, which you KNEW she was perfectly capable of doing without any assistance from you so how dare you?
4. Does she call you by your first name and then laugh and laugh?
5. Does she do the exact opposite of whatever you ask her to do, and then glance at you sneakily as if she knows exactly what she’s doing and she’s been planning this since the moment she came on the scene?
6. Do you innocently walk into your bathroom to find that she has used your makeup as her very own artist’s studio, covering her sweet cheeks in brown eyeshadow?
7. Does she remind you time and time again that she is “The Big Boss” and that you are not?
8. Are you negotiating the number of packs of fruit snacks, the number of episodes of Paw Patrol, the number of books to read before bed, the amount of seconds spent brushing teeth literally every single second of every single day? Are you wondering how it’s possible that you’re actually losing some or most of these negotiations?
9. Does she scream that she can “DO IT [HERSELF],” then scream even louder when she can’t?
10. Does she dictate the music playing in your car, oscillating between “Elmo’s Song” and “Justin Bieber?” And does she think the actual name of the song is “Just Bieber,” so that any time you try to play any song besides “Sorry,” you’re getting in big, big trouble?
What are some of things your Threenager has done that either make you want to tear your hair out or cry tears of joy? Share ’em in the comments or in the cuteheads Collective VIP Facebook group!
Photos by Le Zu Photography