That’s my daughter at 10 days old. I know every mom’s partial to her own child, but I’m pretty in love with her. I couldn’t have been more excited or ready for her arrival. First-time moms can prepare all they want for that baby to come, and no matter how prepared you are, you’re never REALLY prepared. Not emotionally, anyway. I had every gadget, the right blankets, several types of bottles, all kinds of creams and potions… And yet, things didn’t turn out how they were supposed to.
Everything was supposed to be perfect, right?
I had a relatively easy pregnancy. I had a relatively easy — enjoyable, actually — labor.
So it was quite a slap to the face when everything came crashing down during the 4th trimester of my pregnancy. I’m not trying to be dramatic; I admit, a lot of these things were in my head, some were not. I tried to put on a happy face, be brave and pretend like everything was wonderful, but inside I was a mess. I wasn’t having fun. I wanted to enjoy motherhood as much as I thought I would, but I was struggling with the day to day tasks, illness, exhaustion, and feeling isolated and alone.
As I prepare for baby #2, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do differently this time to try to avoid some of the problems I faced last time. Here are the 5 things I’ve come up with so far:
1. Accept more help. I lost my mom when I was 18. Though I haven’t been on my own by any means, my mom was definitely my safety net, and I can think of lots of specific examples when she just fixed things and helped me in tricky situations. Once she was gone, I had to figure all of those things about, and after a few years I did. The result is a person who is stubborn to a fault, who often rejects help when it’s offered, and just wants to do it herself. When baby #2 comes, that’s not an option. I’ll have a 26-month-old and a newborn and many family members in town. I hope I can accept the help that I know they will generously offer.
2. Shower daily. Yes, I’d like to shower daily, but what this really means is I’d like to remember to take better care of myself. I didn’t do that the first time around and my health and well being suffered because of it. I gave myself permission not to do the basic things that make me feel human — shower, get dressed, put on makeup — and I was basically a hot mess for 6 months.
3. Stop breastfeeding if it’s not working. I made the mistake of trusting lactation consultants who told me that if I just kept pumping through 2 bouts of mastitis & several clogged ducts, kept taking those pills that make you smell like syrup & every other trick that my supply would come back. It did not, and I ended up with postpartum depression. I was so hard on myself that I couldn’t make it work, and felt bad for my daughter that she wouldn’t get that bond with me and the best nutritional option. What I realized was that formula is AWESOME. Giving up breastfeeding gave me my sanity back and my daughter thrived. She is intelligent, a great eater, a great sleeper, and a wonderful kid. I’ll be trying again this time, but I will give myself permission to stop much sooner if I can’t make it work.
4. Stop stressing about EVERYTHING. I’m really hoping that this time around, I’ll have a little perspective: that there IS a light at the end of the exhaustion tunnel and to try to enjoy the little things instead of stress about getting spit up on every shirt and that I can’t even eat a meal. I’ll have clean shirts again. I’ll get to eat a meal again. Not that my daughter is almost 2 and things with her are pretty incredible, I know this to be fact. I just hope I can remember it when I’m up to my ears in dirty diapers.
5. Be in the moment and try to enjoy the first few quiet months. I didn’t even realize how quiet and easy newborns were until I had a toddler. My 21-month-old is the most active, inquisitive, exuberant child, and THAT can be exhausting. Yes, I get to sleep a lot more during the night at her current age, but during the day, we’re all go go go. She never stops. She won’t even watch tv or an iPad. When I visit friends with newborns, all I can think is, “wow, is it quiet in here.” I’m hoping to enjoy the peace and ease with which you can tote a tiny, immobile babe around with you to the grocery store because they all become toddlers eventually and that’s a whole new ballgame.
What did you do differently the second time around? I’d love your stories and your advice.
For my next Baby, I will actually do newborn photos. I was trying to save money and didn’t take my son to get professional pics. I always regret that.
-Rachel
http://Www.thestyleathomemom.com
Yes! Do them! Worth the money ☺️
I echo all of those points. I didn’t take care of myself hardly at all when I had my first. With my second I made myself take time to do the basics.
Oh your baby girl is beautiful! Great job, momma. That’s a great point about stopping nursing if it’s not working for you; breastfeeding goes really well for my baby and me, which I’m grateful for, but my sister had nothing but problems with her two kids. She kept pushing through only to have lots of pain, discomfort, and guilt for wanting to stop. But guess what? Breast is not best, feeding your baby and meeting both of your needs is best! Great advice.
Totally agree, breast is only best of it’s working! I hope it works out for me this time, but I’ll be just as happy if it doesn’t. Thank you for your kind words!
Yes to the breastfeeding! I took Fenugreek and it really did nothing. I had to realize that I’d be formula feeding and that it was okay. My daughter doesn’t love me any less for it 😉 Great post!
Mine either! Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it!
Beautiful list! Taking care of yourself is so important, even when it’s a bit difficult to do. I really hope you don’t beat yourself up about the formula! The most important thing is that you feed your baby! I think that people get so wrapped up in “breast is best” that they tend to shame mothers who simply can’t breastfeed which defeats the whole purpose! Thanks for sharing
Exactly. And some people refuse to believe that breastfeeding can be hard for some women. It was one of the hardest things ever for me, and I know what so many go through. Thank you so much for thoughts!
Great list for #2… we put so much stress on ourselves with motherhood, it’s good to see you have a layout to make you happy!
I’m trying! I do think I have a little perspective this time, hopefully it comes in handy!
I can totally relate to this! Thanks so much for posting
You’re welcome!
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
i wish i had asked for the help with my second but i didn’t. and although i’m a huge breastfeeding advocate, you really have to do what’s best for you and baby–no one should be anxious about it!
i totally agree with you on thinking your baby is beautiful! she’s s doll!
Yes! Breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone — though some people are convinced it does — and once I accepted that, I was in a much better place! And I definitely plan on asking for more help… I think! 😂
Great list! I was about to say that I “just” had my second baby, but that happened almost 8 months ago (I swear it goes by even faster the second time—cue the tears). The last point is so on point…I tell all my pregnant friends that those first three months are some of the best, because it’s after that “fourth trimester” that things get CRAZY!
Yes yes, a thousand times yes! I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my second. I dont think I actually put it into play until my third though. SMh.
She is beautiful! I totally agree with the breastfeeding. I am breastfeeding my 5 month old and it is going well, but I have started supplementing because it has helped with her acid reflux. I was bummed at first, but then I thought, you know? I’m just not going to sweat the small stuff. 🙂
Whatever works right?? Good for you for doing what you need to do and giving your baby what she needs to feel better. You’re doing great. ❤️
I don’t have kids, nor will I be having any. But I just wanted to say your daughter is so cute!
Second baby, you’re an expert!
I just had my first daughter 9 months ago…but if I had a second child – what I would do differently is nap more when the baby is napping! I felt the urge to get things done around the house when the baby was sleeping – next time, I will leave it all alone, not worry about a messy house, and rest up!
So needed to hear this! After a bout of mastitis and numerous breastfeeding issues, I was feeling down. Trying to release my stress and not sweat the small stuff. Your daughter is beautiful! Congrats!
Brittany
http://www.BeckyandBrittany.com
Thank you! It’s so hard not to sweat the small stuff, but know you’re not alone!
I remember when I did not stress as much on my second baby!!! Funny how you react the second time around.
With my first child everything was so new – there was so much to worry about. With my second one life was so busy. They are only 18 months apart and as I nursed one I had the other one sitting next to me on the couch as I read him a story. With my third one – I was so much more relaxed. I vividly remember sitting on the couch and just holding my newborn – just marveling at her very being. I wasn’t as worried about it all like I was with the first, and with the other two (then 4 1/2 and 3 years old) playing together I actually had some time to sit and marvel!
Good luck with the birth of your second child and I think one of your most important points was accepting help. I too am estranged from my parents and from a young age have been fiercely independent so it is always difficult for me to accept help. You are a good mother and I hope that it gets easier for you. When is bubba due?
You will be so much more relaxed and confident with the 2nd. Just enjoy!
For me, I imagine it will be very difficult to accept if I can’t do things exactly how I want to. It’s so inspiring to hear from moms like you that it’s ok if it doesn’t go to plan, accept it and move on because it doesn’t hurt the overall picture =)
I definitely did less worrying with the younger kids. Just as they say, they grow so fast. Just being together in this space and time is the most valuable gift we can give ourselves and our kids.
Breastfeeding my first was a terrible experience. Terrible. She was 6 pounds at birth and 5 at 1 month, but breastfeeding my second was absolutely completely different. It was a struggle at first like it usually is, but it has been a wonderful experience. I was surprised how different it was from kid to kid. I am grateful for formula with my first and grateful that it worked out with my second.
How precious I have three grown children and they are all different and so were the infant days. Good luck!
Oh, Esther, this is such a lovely post! I have a 13 year old, an 11 year old, and a….16 MONTH old. I can relate to much of what you’ve written. I’m in this weird chapter right now where I’m mourning the fact that my oldest is now a teenager while being able to relive the baby years with my youngest. Now that I have the wisdom that the years REALLY DO FLY BY, I am just absorbing all the love and joy of having a baby again. 🙂
Good luck with the new baby!
Great list! I did do some of these when I had my second son especial asking for some help.
All of these are such great ideas – good luck with everything
Ahhhhhhhh if I were to have a second one I would definitely make room for self care! I feel we moms tend to let ourselves take the back burner and ughh… We need to keep looking fabulous for our own sakes
There’s this commercial that shows how a mother is with her first child, and then by her third, she’s much more lax in the way she handles situations. It was interesting to see this play out with my best friend when she had kids after her first. You learn so much after the first child!
I hope that you get to do them all. Motherhood is all about learning on the job